Monday, January 31, 2011

NINJA SPIDER UPDATE (I promise, no spider pics)

Ninja Spider: The Outcome

Ninja Spider and I had a good talk about boundaries, and a friend carried her outside, far, far away from the house. It is worth noting that Ninja Spider merely walked across my leg - she could have bitten me but she didn't, and it is for that reason that her life was spared. And they all lived happily ever after. Now...


I am ridiculous:

The point of yesterday's Ninja Spider story was to demonstrate how absolutely ridiculous, over the top and utterly bizarre my reaction was to a little common old house spider.
Let us remember that I removed my pants and danced. Yes, let's.

It was not a story designed to freak you all out and give you nightmares but apparently I didn't know my own power and that has been the outcome so here is the ANTI NINJA SPIDER STORY...

In the words of Ozzy Osbourne:
I love you all; I love you more than life itself, but you're all fucking mad!

I cannot believe that some of you won’t come to Australia because you’re scared of the snakes and spiders... that’s like not going to America because you’re afraid of being abducted by aliens!
People, it’s just not gonna happen.

I understand phobias, trust me, I have more than my share of them... but seriously?

Let’s get real for a sec and have a look at some stats (because NOTHING is more fun than stats, right?)...


SPIDERS

There are two species of spider that have killed humans in Australia  - the redback and the male funnel web.

The last time someone in Australia died from a spider bite was in 1981
TWENTY NINE YEARS AGO –
before anti venoms were developed.


SNAKES

Between 1979 and 1998 there were 53 deaths from snakes in Australia - that is 2.65 per year 
(Australian Bureau of Statistics).
Most of the victims were in remote areas and did not have time to get to hospital for treatment.
It is very RARE to be bitten by a snake and even more so to die from the bite.
Between 10 and 12 THOUSAND people in India die from snake bites EVERY YEAR.


Still not reassured, huh? Crikey!

How about some personal experience:

How many years I have lived in Australia: 36

In 36 years, how many times I have: 

- seen a venomous spider: 2 (When I went looking for them)

- seen a venomous snake: 2(Both times in bushland)

- been bitten by a spider or snake: 0

- known someone who has been bitten by a snake or spider: 0

- known someone who has been walked on by a spider: 1
(Me, yesterday, and I'm not dead, I PROMISE)


Here are some causes of death in Australia in the eleven years
between 1980 and 1990 (inclusive):

Deaths by crocodile attack: 8 (0.7 per year)

Trust me – you will know when there are crocodiles around.



Deaths by shark attacks: 11 (1 per year)

Swim between the flags and you won’t be eaten by a shark.
The authorities do their best to help us stay alive.

Deaths by Bee stings: 20 (1.8 per year)

Do you have bees where you are and are you allergic to them? If yes, then you could die there too.
I KNOW, shocking, right?  


Deaths by Motor vehicle accident: 32,772 (2,979 per year)

You are more likely to croak in your taxi from the airport than you are to even see
a venomous snake or spider (unless you go looking for them).


 Come on, do you think Oprah's people would have let her come
 if it were that dangerous out here in the colony?

The most dangerous thing she saw was Hugh Jackman hurtling towards her stage and Russell Crowe, well... just being Russell Crowe is FAR more dangerous than any other critter!


And Russell Crowe is not even Australian (he's New Zealand) so he's kinda a feral import, like the fox or the cane toad.

So as that girl in a bikini says
'Where the bloody hell are ya?"
and as I say
"Come over, let's go op shopping, I absolutely promise you will not be murdered by a spider, snake,
crocodile, shark or Russell Crowe!"

Put THAT on a poster, Department of Tourism!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

True Story: Ninja Spider and The Least Attractive Outfit Shot Ever

This is a true story and happened today. 

Also I say the word 'fuck' a LOT in this post. You're welcome.

I was sitting on the floor when I felt something spiky moving across my leg...

I looked down and saw an enormous black spiky spider crawling off my ankle!

I jumped up and screamed
"Oh fuck, oh fuck, it was on me! It's a redback, it was ON me! 
Oh fucking fuckity fuck, it was fucking ON me!"

I then ran into the kitchen and removed my pants and ran around the house  
*in my underwear* for several minutes squealing
"Ahh, it touched me with its spiky little legs... it was on me, it was ON ME... 
Oh fuck, it was ON ME!!!" and shaking my leg as though it were still on me.

I'll just let that image settle for a minute...

Meanwhile Ranga Housemate had tracked the spider under the green chair and secured the perimeter. 10-4.

After a few minutes of the bizarre pantsless, leg shaking, squealing, running, jumping dance,
I got a bit tired and put my pants back on*.
(Now there's a sentence I never imagined saying.)

So I kinda came to my senses and did what any good blogger would do... grabbed my camera and returned to the scene of the unfolding drama, where Ranga Housemate was keeping spider sentry on the green chair. 

We began the spider hunt...


I was convinced that it was a redback. 

Ranga Housemate was convinced that it was a Ninja Spider.


We did not let that little bastard Ninja Spider out of our sights...


We tracked it from the green chair to the floor...

Ninja Spider continued to do a very convincing impression of the 
MOST DANGEROUS SPIDER EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE 


Only to be trapped cunningly by the Ranga Housemate!


Fuck You Ninja Spider!


So it is NOT a redback...
and it's not a funnel web...
and it's not a white tail...
According to our extensive research, it's a BLACK HOUSE SPIDER


Wikipedia is quick to ease our minds: 

Black house spiders are venomous, but are not considered dangerous. 
The bite may be excruciatingly painful and cause local swelling
(Uh, what about that "not considered dangerous" bit up there?)
Symptoms such as nausea, vomiting, sweating and giddiness are occasionally recorded. 
(Oh well, that's FINE then...)
In a few cases, skin lesions (arachnogenic necrosis) have developed after multiple bites.

(GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH WARNING - SERIOUSLY DISTURBING PIC OF ARACHNOGENIC NECROSIS HERE - YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED)

I reiterate: Fuck You Ninja Spider!

This is enough information to know that Ninja Spider Must GO.


Of course I took more than 100 photos of the little fucker.
Look how svelte my butt looks at this angle!


And for the record, just here on my right ankle is where Ninja Spider made her presence known. 

I do not like to kill anything except mozzies. 
I have no qualms at all about slapping those little disease-spreading fuckers. 
However, I do not like to kill spiders and whenever we get a huntsman I am the
nominated catch and release person of the household. No problem.

Ninja Spider is different. 
I do not want her in my house but I cannot bring myself to take her outside and release her 
and cannot bring myself to squish her.
And because she is a Ninja Spider and I am terrified of her escaping the glass on the carpet, I have now put a plastic container OVER the glass. And then I got worried that she could crawl out from under the glass and then easily lift the plastic container, so I have weighed it all down...

And every few minutes I glance over to make sure she hasn't escaped. 

I don't want to keep her in there to asphyxiate/dehydrate/starve to death...
but she has me over a barrel here people!

Damn You Ninja Spider!

I'll keep you posted.

* I have absolutely no idea what the hell was going on with the pants removal. The sensation of the spiky spider legs on my skin was extremely fresh and I think I was just trying to remove anything that was in contact with my legs. Well, either that or I was hoping for some hot love action from my invisible hot rockabilly boyfriend to distract me from the horror of the Ninja Spider. I'm going with the hot boyfriend option.

And in case I didn't make it clear... it was ON me!

*Shudder*

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Did somebody order cheesecake?

Strawberry perhaps...



 

I wore: 
Pink gingham capris, top, hat, belt, bag and bangle - Op shopped
Shoes - Sportsgirl 
Brooch - Made it myself 
I had some very successful op shopping this morning. 
I picked up three fabulous vintage dresses. 
I suspect that one of them is actually the Ukranian national costume and you know what, I'm ok with that.

 When I walked into my favourite Salvos store the man behind the counter said 'Oh, the hat lady's here' and pulled out this deadstock 1950s topper for me. What a sweetie!

 This early 70s how-to art book has some fabulous portraits - perfect for scanning/printing/framing. 

More bangles. Oh yeah.









What's that? 
You need to see a pic of my butt, clad in some red cheesecloth ruffled bloomers? 
Of course you do and I aim to please. 
You're welcome.

Friday, January 28, 2011

I'm gonna kick this week's arsey old ass

See this face? 
This face tells you everything you need to know about this week. 
And next week had better watch out, too.
I wore: 
Skirt, tshirt, belt, bag, bangles - Op shopped
Shoes - Miss L Fire 
Sunnies - Overpriced vintage store 
Crocheted rose brooch - Made it myself

True Story: Black dogs and full moons


This story has come up three times in the last 24 hours so I think it's time to tell it here. 

THIS IS A TRUE STORY 
About 15 years ago I was on a small, exclusive beach at Byron Bay, watching the enormous golden moon rise on the horizon with my best friend, who was a guitar freak.
There was a guy playing with a black staffordshire terrier and I wandered over to give his dog a pat and have a chat. 

He was a lovely guy and we chatted for 20 minutes or so and I played with his lovely dog, then we said our farewells and I wandered back to my friend, who was sitting with his mouth hanging open. 

Did I know, asked my friend, who I had been chatting with? 

No idea, I said, but he was a nice enough guy, English, nice dog. 

Jimmy Page. 

Led Zeppelin guitarist and hero to many. 

The dude who wrote Stairway to Heaven.

Fuck. A. Duck.

And that is how I met the legendary Jimmy Page and didn't even know.
Rock on. 
 Don't tell Jack Black. He'll kick me out of the School of Rock.
 
I am so rock and roll.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I just can't get enough...

...stripes, as per usual!

Another stinking hot day today.









 

I wore: 
Skirt, top, jacket and belt - Op shopped
Fave 1950s earrings - Vintage fair 
Shoes - Miss L Fire 
Hair piece - Gift from gorgeous sister in law

What's better than stripes? Nothin!





Found here









Obsessed? 

Abso-frickin-lutely!