Ninja Spider: The Outcome
Ninja Spider and I had a good talk about boundaries, and a friend carried her outside, far, far away from the house. It is worth noting that Ninja Spider merely walked across my leg - she could have bitten me but she didn't, and it is for that reason that her life was spared. And they all lived happily ever after. Now...
I am ridiculous:
The point of yesterday's Ninja Spider story was to demonstrate how absolutely ridiculous, over the top and utterly bizarre my reaction was to a little common old house spider.
Let us remember that I removed my pants and danced. Yes, let's.
It was not a story designed to freak you all out and give you nightmares but apparently I didn't know my own power and that has been the outcome so here is the ANTI NINJA SPIDER STORY...
In the words of Ozzy Osbourne:
“I love you all; I love you more than life itself, but you're all fucking mad!”
I cannot believe that some of you won’t come to Australia because you’re scared of the snakes and spiders... that’s like not going to America because you’re afraid of being abducted by aliens!
People, it’s just not gonna happen.
I understand phobias, trust me, I have more than my share of them... but seriously?
Let’s get real for a sec and have a look at some stats (because NOTHING is more fun than stats, right?)...
There are two species of spider that have killed humans in Australia - the redback and the male funnel web.
The last time someone in Australia died from a spider bite was in 1981
– TWENTY NINE YEARS AGO –
before anti venoms were developed.
Between 1979 and 1998 there were 53 deaths from snakes in Australia - that is 2.65 per year
(Australian Bureau of Statistics).
Most of the victims were in remote areas and did not have time to get to hospital for treatment.
It is very RARE to be bitten by a snake and even more so to die from the bite.
Between 10 and 12 THOUSAND people in India die from snake bites EVERY YEAR.
Still not reassured, huh? Crikey!
How about some personal experience:
How many years I have lived in Australia: 36
In 36 years, how many times I have:
- seen a venomous spider: 2 (When I went looking for them)
- seen a venomous snake: 2(Both times in bushland)
- been bitten by a spider or snake: 0
- known someone who has been bitten by a snake or spider: 0
- known someone who has been walked on by a spider: 1
(Me, yesterday, and I'm not dead, I PROMISE)
Here are some causes of death in Australia in the eleven years
between 1980 and 1990 (inclusive):
Deaths by crocodile attack: 8 (0.7 per year)
Trust me – you will know when there are crocodiles around.
Deaths by shark attacks: 11 (1 per year)
Swim between the flags and you won’t be eaten by a shark.
|The authorities do their best to help us stay alive.|
Deaths by Bee stings: 20 (1.8 per year)
Do you have bees where you are and are you allergic to them? If yes, then you could die there too.
I KNOW, shocking, right?
Deaths by Motor vehicle accident: 32,772 (2,979 per year)
You are more likely to croak in your taxi from the airport than you are to even see
a venomous snake or spider (unless you go looking for them).
The most dangerous thing she saw was Hugh Jackman hurtling towards her stage and Russell Crowe, well... just being Russell Crowe is FAR more dangerous than any other critter!
|And Russell Crowe is not even Australian (he's New Zealand) so he's kinda a feral import, like the fox or the cane toad.|
So as that girl in a bikini says
'Where the bloody hell are ya?"
and as I say
"Come over, let's go op shopping, I absolutely promise you will not be murdered by a spider, snake,
crocodile, shark or Russell Crowe!"
Put THAT on a poster, Department of Tourism!